Hi, I am Dino's owner, LengNa. I read this post (message652 on www.oddtodd.com) by Todd Rosenberg a long time ago and have always remembered it for it's humour and depth of insight into the thoughts of beloved dog and beloved owner. I wish for all dog lovers to enjoy reading and identifying with this! Thanks, Todd for letting me put it up here. All the best to you and Roscoe!
Dog Jealousy by Oddtodd
Man/Dog Comparison
I admit it. Some days I'm jealous of my dog. Yesterday was one of those days. I know I'm too involved with my dog or whatever for some people. But I thought about my day yesterday compared to Roscoe's day. Not that I can complain about my day at all--- but Roscoe totally can't!
Put it this way. Here's how our calendar/journal matched up:
| TIME OF DAY | MAN | DOG |
| 8AM | Wake up and make coffay. Remember that I forgot to buy milk again. Get mad at self. | Wake when Man awakes. Then go back to sleep. Dream of swimming and horses. |
| 8:20AM | Drink coffay. Try to wake up. Surf net. | Turn over. Stretch. Stretch more. Fall asleep. |
| 8:30AM | Screw around and update stuff. Get mad at computer bug. Restart. | Sleep flat on back. Enjoy self. Enjoy dogness. |
| 8:38AM | Tell dog it is time for his belly rubs. | Enjoy belly rubs from the Man. Right on schedule. |
| 8:45AM | Dash off a stupid email to someone. Wish I saved to drafts before sending. Work on a 'smart' follow up to cover up stupid me. | Jump off bed. Stretch back. Look around. Sniff around. Look out window. |
| 9:00AM | Gather up laundry to bring to the laundry place. Sniff jeans to see if it's time to wash them. | Bark at laundry. Tug at shirt. Let go. Stretch. Grumble. |
| 9:15AM | Head out with dog. Drag 35lbs of laundry to the place. | Get treats at place and love and praise. Leave to pee. |
| 9:20AM | Watch dog pee on feet. Make mental note. | Pee on feet. Enjoy the warmth but not the wet. |
| 9:30AM | Realize I forgot my cellphone. Too late to go back. Already heading to dog park. | Doody on ground in front of people. Feel shame. Get over it fast. |
| 9:31AM | Get out baggie. Pick up doody. Feel shame. Get over it fast. | Smell other dog's urine. Take in top secret information. File. |
| 10:00AM | Arrive at dog park. Try to ignore the one dog park person who I don't like so much. | Play! Run! Wrestle! RUN!!! RUN MORE! FREEDOM! FENCED IN FREEDOM! |
| 10:15AM | Get trapped in conversation with person I don't like so much. Person doesn't believe in global warming and laughs at polar bear problems. I avoid argument. | Run up the hill! Run down the hill! Run up the hill! Get chased! SNIFF!!! Chase! OOH!!! CHASE ME! SMELL BUTT! FRIEND! PLAY! |
| 10:25AM | Wish I got more coffee on the way. Search pockets for gum. | Doody time! Again! |
| 10:26AM | Get out baggie. Pick up doody. | Get excited because another dog friend has arrived!!! The one who likes to chase! Chase meeee!!!! RUN MORE! |
| 10:45AM | Decide to leave dog park. | Decide to leave dog park. |
| 11:11AM | Make 11:11 wish. | Pull Man toward pet store to get treats. |
| 11:15AM | Refuse to go into pet store and keep walking. Dog briefly protests. | Decide against going into the pet store today. Will definitely go tomorrow. |
| 11:20AM | Arrive home and walk upstairs. | Arrive home! Run upstairs! |
| 11:28AM | Prepare lunch for dog. Shake taco-style shredded cheese on top for extra flavor. | Eat lunch. Make mess in the process. |
| 11:30AM | Clean up mess. | Hear noise. Run to bed and bark out window at dog that sounds just like me! Bark more! |
| 11:32-1:00PM | Listen to dog park at own echo while working on finishing taxes. Put all in envelopes and add way too many stamps to subdue paranoia. Say goodbye to money. | Lick own penis. Enjoy special ability. |
| 1:15PM-2PM | Reward myself for finishing taxes by playing Quake 4 multiplayer online. Come in 2nd place three times. | Decide to nap next to toilet. Slightly cooler there. Preferred location for afternoon nap. |
| 2:05PM | Start freelance project that I promised myself I'd start two days ago. | Drink from toilet. Go back to sleep. |
| 2:08PM-3PM | Play Quake 4 demo. Come in first place! Type taunts to InDus and weedhorse. | Wonder how Man stares at light box for sooo long. |
| 3:02PM | Check how things are going on website. Type up some stuff. Update stuff. Answer emails. Check boards. | Walk into computer room. Fart terrible fart. Smell fart. Enjoy fart. |
| 3:13PM | Put shirt over nose. Terrible. Laugh. | Fart again. Terrible! Giggle inside. |
| 3:15-5:30PM | Work on five different things at the same time. Finish none but make progress on one. Then call friends on phone. Talk bout stuff. | Try to gather thought. |
| 5:40PM | Head outside to mail taxes and walk dog. | Decide to go outside with Man and walk around. |
| 5:45PM | Mail taxes. Say phew. | Stand next to tree. Lift leg away from tree and pee all over sidewalk for fun. |
| 5:50PM | Bump into someone who I've met 10x but still don't know their name. They call me by my name. I'm embarrassed. | Eat something off ground. Tasted weird. Ignore taste. |
| 6:00PM | Decide to pick up laundry. | Decide to get more treats. |
| 6:15PM | Arrive home. Heat up old chinese food. And make dog his dinner. Microwave one egg for 20 seconds. Not too hot. Put on top of dog food. Stir. Add water. | Decide to have an egg with dinner. Was served slightly cold. Make mental note for Man. Immediately lose mental note. |
| 6:30PM | Sit on couch. Watch TV. | Sit on couch. Stare at flashy colorful noisy box Man seems to like way too much. |
| 6:48PM | Watch dog food commercial. Dog barks on TV. | Go CRAZY! There's another dog in here!!! BARK BARK BARK! I HEARD A DOG!!! |
| 6:49PM | Stare at dog. | Bark! BARK BARK! BARK! DEFEND! DEFEND! DEFEND! WHERE DOG? ME? who... |
| 6:50PM | Stare at dog. | Forget what barking at. Go to sit on couch next to Man again. |
| 6:50-7PM | Pet dog behind ears and scratch back. | Yawn. Enjoy scritchies. |
| 7:00-9PM | Work on stuff and stuff. Catch up on stuff. Try to get organized. Post on boards and RoscoeCam. Promise tomorrow will be productive... or else! | Naptime again. Evening relaxation. |
| 9:15PM | Finish "working". Head out to meet friend at local bar that is dog friendly. Bring dog. | Decide to head to local bar I like. |
| 9:30PM | Drink beer with friend and talk. | Lay on floor. Accept compliments and pats and love from strangers. |
| 10:00PM-11PM | Notice that dog is attracting girls lots of girls. Notice I am not. | Jump on girls. Kiss girls. Accept hugs and kisses and strokes. Accept compliments. Look cute. Be cute. |
| 11:12PM | Some girl asks me if I am aware my dog is a "chick magnet". Unsure what the right answer to that question really is-- so I mumble something incoherent. | Watch Man blow it again. Kiss girl he just mumbled at. Kiss her on the mouth. |
| 11:15-Midnight | Try to turn conversation with girl away from dog conversation to human conversation. Unsuccessful multiple times. | Lay on floor with back legs splayed like frog. Enjoy praise and squeals of cuteness. Stick out tongue. |
| 12:15AM | Head home. Jerk dog away from street trash on the way and fail. Groan. | Lunge at delicious mysterious treat. Got it! Now something in mouth! Delicious! |
| 12:16AM | Wrestle old disgusting chicken wing bone out of dogs mouth. Fight for it. | Allow Man to take mysterious treat out of mouth. Didn't want it anyway. |
| 12:30-1:30AM | Watch Deadliest Catch on TV. Realize what hard work is. Think that my day was pretty good. Feel pretty happy. | Feel happy!!!! Feel sleepy!!! |
| 2AM-4AM | Time for sleep. Fight for bed space in MY bed with dog. Try to sleep soundly. | Time for sleep. Fight for bed space in MY bed with Man. Try to sleep soundly. |
| 4:13AM | Wake up suddenly. | BARK AT NOISE OUTSIDE WHAT WAS THAT NOISE! IT WAS A MONSTER! BARK BARK BARK! MONSTER ALERT! BARK BARK!!! I HEAR MONSTER! |
| 4:15AM | Talk dog off ceiling. Tell him to relax and everything is ok. Feel love for dog. | Feel like hero. Feel love for Man. |
| 4:20-7:48AM | Sleep and dream of work... and boobs. Worry about world. | Sleep and dream of deliciousness and fun and action and running and unknown things that are good. Don't worry about world. |
ok bye!
tOdd
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